Interview With Noel Biderman, CEO Of Ashley Madison

OPW INTERVIEW -- Apr 25 -- Ashley Madison is for those already in relationships to find a 'bit on the side' as we say in England.  Its the site I most love to hate, but, bless 'em, they fulfill a need and make great money doing so.  We asked the CEO of Ashley Madison if he'd be OK with his wife using Ashley Madison.  See his answer below... - Mark Brooks       

What is Ashley Madison, who are your members, and how did the name come about?
Ashley Madison is the largest dating service of its kind catering to like minded adults who are already in a committed relationship. Our members are people who find themselves attached at this stage in their lives, and in many instances, in otherwise very happy marriages or with great family situations, but they're physically or emotionally unfulfilled. What they seek at Ashley Madison is someone who understands those needs.

The name is fictitious and based on the two most popular girl's names in 2001 when the founder of the service, Darren Morgenstern, came up with the concept.

What makes your site stand out from the competition?
I think we're unique, one of the only sites in this niche, and we're definitely the originator. The genesis of the business itself was a report that stated that upwards of 30 to 35 percent of people on singles dating services were actually attached, and so we thought 'what if you could create a site where you didn't have to lie about your personal circumstances?' You could put your hand up and say 'this is who I am; this is my situation in life. I'm still looking to meet someone else to fill a void and not create any additional risks for myself.' That's the uniqueness of the Ashley Madison model.

How does your service help people improve the quality of their lives?
Ironically, we've actually preserved a number of relationships and marriages in the sense that many people suffer from a lack of physical or emotional intimacy. Other aspects of their lives are going well, great career, incredible children, extended family, but there is just a certain critical element to their life that they're not happy with. With Ashley Madison, they have a chance to explain that and not be judged for it, because everybody knows the nature of the service when they join. Here's a chance to meet someone like-minded. All of a sudden, when that void is filled, they can be an even better parent, a better spouse or partner to whomever they're with in their life.

But why would anyone who wasn't looking for a marital split want to openly broadcast their cheating?
Statistics show that approximately 60% of people are somehow involved in cheating in their relationship. It's almost a DNA pull, a fact of life, and we battle against it all the time.

People wrestle with the whole notion. When they've finally made the determination that this is what they need to do for themselves, the next move can be challenging. The work place is fraught with problems. Someone could lose his or her job; you could misread a cue. If you visit a prostitute, you could end up with an STD. You could have a stigma attached to you for breaking the law. There are so many problems.

If you come to a service like ours, you can at least mitigate the risks. You still take a risk; I want to be clear. Anytime you do this you take a risk, but if you've been thinking about it, then you tend to approach it in a different way.

How do you check for fraudulence?
We review every single profile and photo prior to releasing it to our membership base. We remove anyone that we find to be fraudulent, solicitous, or problematic. Soliciting is veiled prostitution. We just won't allow that kind of behavior to take place. We have a fraud check system that we've built up over years and a huge customer care staff who monitor 24/7. We know what our members need and we need to protect them.

How do you protect members (who post photos) from their snoopy spouses?
Many singles will post a public photo but very few attached people do so. Most photos are posted to a private showcase section. The release of those require a key in exchange with another member only after you've built a relationship and have a sense of who they are and what they're about. I've never, in all of our existence, come across one story of a spouse catching another spouse on Ashley Madison. When they do get caught, it's for other reasons. It could be that they didn't clear their cookie on their computer, or the like.

Have you used your own service?
I'm married with two kids, and I hope that I'm not one of those people who find a need for a service like mine – but clearly it's out there.

Would you be okay with your wife using your service?
No. If my wife were using my service, or any dating service, or if I even found her on Facebook chatting with former boyfriends and not telling me about it, I would be emotionally hurt beyond belief, and would feel that our relationship had severe problems. To me, a healthy relationship is one where there is communication and honesty and emotional and physical connectivity. I would hope that that is what is going on in my current relationship, and if not, I'd have to look at myself, and my responsibilities. But if my wife were engaging in such a service, then clearly our relationship would be in trouble.

Is there anything that you want a perspective client to know?
We do our research. We try to understand what you need, and refine our products and services for that. This isn't about judging, it's an open platform, and what you'll find is that no matter who you are, the housewife who just hasn't been complimented or paid attention to in ages, the woman who just really likes being with married men because that's what she wants, or you're with someone you don't want to marry, maybe you want to trade up; if you relate, then you're going to find someone compatible. It's a wide slice of life with real people, and I think that's the great part of our service.

Comments

[andii]

Online dating websites are ten a penny these days, and sometimes there are just too many choices. That said, now that we’ve seen the niche and the niche within a niche sites popping up, there are some pretty good time saving options for like minded singles and the promiscuous among us. Gone are the days of ploughing through hundreds of profiles to find what you’re looking for.

[Sam Moorcroft, ChristianCafe.com]

Isn't it ironic how Mr. Biderman would be emotionally hurt "beyond belief" if his wife were cheating. Yet, his service specializes in causing emotional hurt and untold other damage to families (what will he tell his kids what he actually does for a living?).

Just because you may feel "trapped" or "unappreciated" or whatever, in a marriage, does not justify you devastating your spouse and/or kids. Sure, a lot of people shouldn't be married. But, there is a world of difference between that and helping them cheat!

Fast forward to your death bed and then look back at your life. What did you accomplish? You helped destroy marriages and families. Oh yeah, and made lots of cash doing it.

What a legacy.

[Amanda Elizabeth Smith]

I've been closely observing and following www.ashleymadison.com for about 3 years now. As the founder and CEO of an online dating site myself I have to say firstly that the member sign up growth rates for AM have been less than impressive over the last year or so and have in fact slowed considerably. I think that this site is noteworthy at best for its controversy value. As Noel has pointed out, and this is a well known fact, roughly 60% of folks cheat and I believe the stat is around 30% of online daters who are in relationships and hence cheating. Therefore, I don't see the cultural need for such a site and perceive it more of a "easy money" business model that is exploiting "unhealthy relationships", where a "healthy" relationship is defined by Noel in the article.

Taking all of this in sum it seems that perhaps the fact that AM doesn't seem to be enjoying much growth is the result of a combination of the "novelty effect" wearing off, the guilty stigma associated with being an AM member and the fact that users can get similar services, albeit with a bit more work, for less money on other sites.

Obviously Noel and Darren have taken quite a lot of flack for AM, and have made some money that likely softened the blow. However, ultimately they could have done better in terms of both morality and ROI's if they would've gone less niche and focused on the casual dating site.

As a side note, I'm always fascinated by folks who can work for a company that stands for something they personally aren't in line with.

[Glenn Millar]

I have, unfortunately, had too much experience with the aftermath of cheating. I've watched friends, and their children's lives, be destroyed by cheating. I have seen the long-term psychological effects; the inability to trust and the fear of loving again. This occurs in both adults and the children.

If Mr. Biderman knows the statistics, then he is also familiar with the aftermath.

Thus, I am trying to see how Mr. Biderman can justify his site. And then I realized it. His justifications sound an awful lot like the reasons cheaters give to justify their actions.

If I were Mrs. Biderman, I would hire a private detective and a good lawyer, cause anyone who thinks this guy can justify his site, but not be cheating on his own wife, is living in a dream world.

I'm not particularly religious, but God help your children Mr. Biderman and Mr. Morgenstern and the morals you are instilling in them.

[Ross Williams]

I think it's important to remember a critical point in all this - AM is for people who don't want to lie about it. Many other dating sites have people doing EXACTLY the same thing, but are less honest about it.

It's easy to criticize AM and on a personal level it's not something I'm enormously comfortable with - but anyone involved in running or promoting online dating sites is responsible in part for people cheating and having affairs.

No matter how much we try to stop it, people lie - even on christian dating sites people lie - they'll say they are single when quite frankly they're not. There's no much you can do to stop this.

It strikes me that the only difference on AM is that people aren't lying about it.

I rationalize that for every person that breaks up their relationship because of one of my sites, I help to create three or four more relationships. It's not great but it helps.

But I believe that anyone who believes that people don't use their dating sites for cheating is very misguided. AM is just open about it.

Ross

[Sam Moorcroft, ChristianCafe.com]

Ross, with respect, I think you are missing a major point: people on other dating sites (mine included) may lie and/or cheat; however, AM is designed *specifically* for people to cheat. Whether they are "open" about it or not is irrelevant.

We can't change human nature (e. g. those who are going to cheat, are going to cheat regardless), however, *enabling* cheaters to cheat – *that* is mine and other's big beef.

[Ann]

Cheating is not going to go away? Having many encounters is not about bedpost notching or bragging about your conquest. It’s about learning what you don’t like and wanting to meet the love of your life. According to Dr. Ryan Holybox at Jivelo.com, "dating" has a self-education component. Having various relationships doesn’t make you promiscuous, it makes you someone who doesn’t want to spend his or her life with the wrong person and who has hopes of finding the right one.

[Sam Moorcroft, ChristianCafe.com]

Umm, Ann, we are talking about people who are already married...

[Markus]

I wonder if they will cross promote with their latest aquisition hotornot.com. Supposidly they are looking to buy more sites.

[Irena]

Without the cheaters the site would not exist, alas. It might promote cheating and make it more easier but cheaters would cheat anyway, with or without sites like that. I agree with Ross. People lie about their status on Christian sites as well. Are we going to blame the Internet? No, it's a lack of morality.

[Danny Hunter]

I am not surprised when an apple tree produces an apple. Likewise, immoral people commit immoral actions ... it only reveals what they really are.

Danny Hunter

[Noel Biderman]

Thank you all for your comments. I will not attempt to argue or refute any of the specifics mentioned - other than to say that Ms. Amanda Elizabeth Smith is incorrect about AshleyMadison's growth rate which has seen the site grow by more than 250% in the last 12 months alone.

We can all step back and take a look at the institution of marriage and at least acknowledge the transformation it is currently undertaking. Premarital sex was once the taboo topic of the time, and the last generation became the first to embrace divorce; perhaps the notions around monogamy will become the next frontier that is tackled vis-à-vis marriage. People will continue to cheat on their partners, and in our opinion, that is better undertaken through our service than in the workplace, on a singles dating service or with sex trade worker.

We seem to be able to forgive the politicians, athletes and entertainers that we adore when they engage in behavior of this kind. Perhaps we should think about why we do that and at least attempt to acknowledge that “fault” is not always so black and white. Essentially, we are all human and if we are not fulfilled nor getting what we need to sustain us, then we will likely seek fulfillment somewhere else.